Life

Guard Your Heart

There I sat, on my bed, once again…in tears. The rush of emotions and feelings on top of the deadlines approaching, seemed to pile on all at once. And now there’s one more thing to add! The end of a relationship. I sat in confusion over how the whole day spiraled down and the last thing I said in the midst of my frustration, “You don’t appreciate me or what I do. I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t feel valued. I don’t feel appreciated.” The rush of emotions flooded my mind. Did I really mean to?

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Death Valley National Park & Goldwell Open Air Museum Nevada, USA

I believe this has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, guarding my heart. Letting go of people and things that are no good for my soul. I forgive over and over and over. My heart tells me, people deserve many chances, as you have been given many chances in life too. Even this time, I offered to try again and knew deep down, I shouldn’t have. Some of you are probably saying, “You should’ve known.” But is that truly the response we give to someone who is learning, living, and loving?

I’m flawed.
I’m still lovable.
I’m still deserving.
I’m still worthy.
All of those put together make me beautiful.

IMG_0241This time was different. I didn’t choose to see all of his faults. Parts of us fit together so perfectly. This was our second time giving “us” a try. But when situations happened and I was deeply hurt, it’s like the pain was never truly healed and trust was lost. But I was told to “carry on” and “it’ll pass when you choose” without ever truly having the time to. I allowed pieces of me to be damaged by his emotional struggles. I ignored my own needs, wants, and boundaries. In order to make him feel better about himself, I started to let go of pieces of me. My passions, my creativity, my character, my heart. I realize he didn’t protect my heart with gentleness and care, yet I still stayed. It was those damaged pieces of the puzzle, which made it hard for us to reconnect. I felt like I couldn’t express my hurt freely and over the past few months of being all bottled up and not heard, I released.

IMG_0247I wasn’t crying about the relationship ending. I cried because of those final words. I cried because I finally released every feeling I had held inside. As the rush of emotions continued on, a feeling crept up inside me. A feeling I never felt before: GUILT. I could go on and on into detail about this story, but the story is not what I care for you to know…It’s the lesson.

“Above all things, guard your heart. For everything you do, flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23

IMG_0245We must not change the parts of ourselves that we hold so dearly. We must love ourselves so passionately, that if someone comes along to try and diminish that love we have of ourselves, we immediately block that negativity from our hearts. I allowed my heart to be hurt and did nothing about it. That’s where the guilt came from. Knowing how much I once took care of myself and protected myself, but not doing anything this time. I don’t want that for you. I’m no longer allowing that for me. You know? The guilt. We can recognize how we are responsible for the hurt, but we must forgive ourselves in order to move forward.

Whether it be the audition we didn’t go on because we heard someone else “better” was going to be there, so we talked ourselves down and out of it. The negative comment someone made about something you worked really hard on. The fear of moving somewhere or traveling to a different place because we’re told we will be lonely. The diet we don’t do such a great job of sticking to. Perhaps, like me, allowing people who do not deserve to feel our light, throw their shade. This time I’m laying the hurt and pain out on the table, praying for strength and patience as I am going through the healing process because now is the time. Now is the time to love me. Now is the time to heal my wounds. Now is the time to honor my space.

We all have something we can do, in order to better protect our hearts and guard our love, as this is a must.

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Travel

You Should Be Here: The Next Time You’re in California!

You know that trip to Oahu, Hawaii I took for my birthday? Yeah, that one! Well, I didn’t get a chance to go to a black sand beach because our schedules were already booked for a luau and snorkeling. So when the beau and I decided to take a road trip to Northern California for a quick weekend get-away, he left me to plan the adventure.

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How it all began?

I already knew I wanted to go to Muir National Monument Park. Wrote that down, set it in stone. We considered Yosemite and Redwoods National Park but both were a 4 hour drive away from where we were staying. So I typed on Google, “black sands beach” and bam!  Up pops a real picture of someone standing on black sand on my screen. And tah dah!!! We drove and drove and drove, and yeah we made it!

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There were a lot of precious moments shared that weekend.

-Spending time with the beau and his family.

-Breath being taken away by the gorgeous mountain views, clear water, and crisp air. I must add…the water was freezing!

-Hand-holding and sneaking kisses because young eyes were around.

-Watching the beau succeed in climbing yet another huge rock, Invincible!

-The release of negative emotions and doubts that sometimes cloud our judgement.

All in all, it was just what we needed…

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Things to keep in mind:

To get the best directions to this location, I used Google Maps. The location was best found with the address Black Sands Beach Marin, California.

The beach is located down a winding road past the tourists who are all tryin to get pics of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Plus: This location is not that well known. There were tons of cars pulled over to get pics of the bridge and only 3 cars that made their way to the parking lot of the hike.

Check the weather. We were there at the end of May and the weather was pretty chilly (I hear San Fran is pretty much like that year around.) I wore a popping red jacket that cut the wind perfectly!

It’s a little bit of a hike down a winding hill, so make sure you wear/bring appropriate shoes.

Happy Travels!

-Raven

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